How to become an angry porch man

Parking

2007-08-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

Getting a parking spot in this city is crazy. Yesterday i spent 5 hours looking for a parking spot to pick up lunch by the time i found on it was dinner. I was talking to one of my friends about it and she said: "Parking spaces are like men the good ones are taken the rest are disabled, gay, repulsive, related and/or unatractive."
Then i realised that our problem was the same, and it wasn't that we were related, though it does have something to do with all the pink new beatles flooding the road. Just one question, who do you have to be related to to get one of those related parking spots? Looks like i'll just have to settle for a repulsive one.

I'll Have Some Spam

2007-06-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things with being a porch man is keeping up with Modern jargon.
For Example Spam. I Love Spam, i think spam is great, it's meaty and mooshy and sometimes you get little congealed bits which are YUM. I Heard some people complaining about how they keep getting spam in their email and i thought "great you can send squigy food products through you computer" I look on sites all over and couldn't get any to send some spam, i only got some dodgy adds, lots of them, so i tried to send some spam to my friend i placed it in the CD drive and my computer didn't work for weeks. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SEND ME SOME SPAM

How to make a heavy content, teenage, beach, soapy-drama in a few easy steps.

2007-06-16T06:14:00.000-07:00

Step 1: Alot of snogging. You thought it would be find a beach. WRONG. if you have enough snogging the teens will think your close enough to a beach
Step 2: Find a beach that is in perpetual sunlight, even at ten at night when those naughty beach parties start.
Step 3: More Snogging. You should try to end each episode (or at least 3/4 if the 4th has a particularly heavy ending) with a montage of at least 3 couples snogging.
Step 4: Beach Parties 1/3 episodes should have a beach party 1/3 beach parties should have some sought of involvement with the cops 1/3 run in with the cops should end in a serious bust. So 1/27 episodes have a cop bust of a beach party.
Step 5: Drugs, it is a heavy drama. The hardest drug is only aloud to be pot (it is only a teen drama). The main dealer (who is incidently the oldest person on the show) is disalusioned and heartless. Secondary dealers are all guys with good intents but need cash for big plans and go the wrong way about it.They get in trouble with authorities, girlfriends, teachers, bestfriends, big dealer basically everyone
Step 6: Serious snogging. At the end of a heavy cycle have a great massive snogging scene with some shirt removal
Step 7: Upwards age limit of 35 (except main dealer roughly 40) Everyone in the show is self sufficent with no need for parents unless they were young parents (15 when the had their child so 33 now) the young parents a stuffed up too. The second oldest is the local cop or the local doctor, both are fresh out of the academy or med school due to the enemies they make the drama of a beach town and the upper age limit they are cycled every 2 years at least. they are also the sole voices of reason in the town, next are the teachers, often ex students in the town and always fresh out of teachers college the rest of the population are college students or HS students, Except for 1 much loved 9yo girl.
Step 8: The last character is vital he is pro-surfer. He wants to make his living from eXtreme vids and world circuit surfing. He gets injured at least once a fortnight and seriously (frature, KO, incapacitated) every two mounths and once a year he gets himself a coma . ALWAYS disobeys doctors orders and ALWAYS hurts himself further and misses a comp because of it.
Step 9: Huge amounts of Beach party serious snogging. Last or 2nd last episode of the year (depending if you want an EXPLOSIVE finale') at least three couples leave the beach party (this one has the cop but no bust) and go to a secret place (not the same place one for each couple) and have some long drawn out shirt removing snogging.
Final Step: The Name: A location is good or make up a name for the town, either something to do with water or fruits is a good place to start. DO NOT name the show "A teenage soapy with oodles of snogging in it"

My adoring fan base

2007-06-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

Wondering why i haven't blogged in so long? I'll give you three hints: Paris Hilton, Prison, James Spader as my lawer. Simple enough thought so. Now that we have the pleasentries out of the way down to some serious business... ... ... Ok i just have to complain you think nothing could be worse then being a pennyless porchman, well there is, being a millionaire(ess) . See when pennyless porch man goes to prison he can play the same porchman games (except there are less possums) Catchup with some school friends and get out earlie on parole. AND they can have a bit of a cry without the worlds media going on about. I just have one question: why was i, an australian male, sharing a cell with lindsay lohan and paris.

Shatners Tupee

2006-09-04T16:20:00.000-07:00

My life is in many ways reminisant of Shatner, on minute i was boldly going where no man had gone before being the most charismatic man on ship surrounded by people like lenard nemroy the next my looks have gone, i'm fat and i'm a crazy old man with a bullseye on my arse in a law firm who has to snog random people just to compete with people like James spader. except i'm not on tv, Nemroy is hot compared to me, and i'll never drink scotch on a roof with James and last time i snogged someone to make myself look charismatic my mother happened to be watching at the other end of the shopping center and dragged me home by the ear, i'll outdo you one day spok

Possum Hurling

2006-08-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

Yet another popular pass time in porchman circles, possum hurling is a simple enough concept. You wait for a possum to fall out of your tree of off your roof (if you can't find a possum use your filthy cat which hang around all porchmen), your grab it and shave it's bottom and feed it many laxatives and put a cork in the unmentionable place and wait for an ignorant school student in their nice uniform to kiss their mummy goodbye, unplug your possum and throw it.

I enjoy barking

2006-08-20T18:58:00.000-07:00

Ever stuck your head out the window of a speeding car and barked madly at people walking the streets, It's now my favourite game, you get amazing reactions, we have one kid who walks to school at the same time every morning who when we pass him in the car looks like someone who is scared of dogs looks at a house they know a dog at.
The conentions of the game.
In acending order points are awarded for

A confused glance of head
Disruption to movement patern (e.g. a walker stops walking etc)
dropping of bags
falling off bike
getting a walker with a dog to loss controll of the animal.
Inducing total fear in a child
getting someone to stalk angryly after you
Making a kissing couple accedently bite each.
a five or more group reaction

Do Not Bark if:

stopped at red light
They are near or in a faster or bigger car
they have a gun
in any situation that means you are traveling at a speed at which the target can catch you.

Don't talk to me i just want to Catch the Bus

2006-08-13T19:05:00.000-07:00

One of the other things a porchman does beside being angry at people and chasing kids away from his house is catch public transport to nowhere being grumpy throughout. I was having fun doing this until i found that to be the oddest person on the bus i had to expose myself to the bus driver when he asked where i was going, on this particular bus even my friend Bus Bum looked pretty average. So a few things to any odd people i saw on the bus last week... No I am not rasist it's just that you were completely drunk and sluring your speech that i could only understand one in three sentences you spoke. Sorry man but a pizza delivery boy will have a hard time finding "a bus somewhere between lithgow and Bathurst." Third guy what was your crime anyway, murder agrivated by a blogist or something. And lastly JUST BECAUSE YOU FALL ASLEEP ON THE BUS DOESN'T MEAN U CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME SEXUALLY!!!

Everyone in my Tutorial group has their Dong out

2006-08-13T15:40:00.000-07:00

My Tut group is a sausage fest that means there are more boys then girls 1st week i got lost and my friend said "just follow the sausages" I didn't realise what he ment until i noticed that everyone in my tut group also had their sausage exposed. Last weekend i went to a Barbeque (and now the funny inuendo punch line) onions make me cry.

Wierd Things Happen.

2006-08-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

It is not easy being stalked by the celtic god of oddity because your scotish lengend ancestor accedently ate his favorite druid. Incredible random things happen, yesterday i was driving along when a Hippopotomus in a McGregor kilt feel from the sky onto the bonnet of the car ahead of us flipping the car, then the giant cry of "MISSED THE FIRETRUCKER" could be heard throughout the town, next thing i knew five goons were trying to steal the flipped car and i was standing next to them in my birthday suit weilding a claymore, oh well such is life and all that. The doctor said they would be fine once we find a head donor

101 uses for an Overwieght Brazillian Football player Superstar.

2006-06-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

1. World Championship weightlifting Wieght
2. Papper weight (may break desk)
3. Consuming oposition fullbacks. (there are rules against biting but not swallowing whole).
4. Comic relief.
5. Playing the "how many fat jokes can the commentator make" game
6. Writing about on childish Blogs.
7. Feeling better about yourself (i might not be an international football star but at least i'm not that fat)
8. Confusing linesmen. "i can't tell if he was offside he was a meter in front of the last defender but a meter behind him at the same time."
9. Masking attacking runs.
10. Using as a big ball for two year old children with not much coordination.
Okay i can't get 101 but leave a comment if you think of any more.

On a More Serious note Go the Soccerroos

2006-06-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

Ole' Ole' Ole' Ole', Ole' Ole', Ole' Ole' Ole' Ole', Ole' Ole'!
Incidentally Croatia broke a record with Simunic collecting three yellow cards in one game staying on the feild five minutes after recieving the second, I could be wrong but i saw it and so did the commentator and my brother and everyone else we were watching with, I will pay $100 to anyone who can break that record (barring a rule change allowing more cautions).
My only problem now is that if we beat Italy the Mafia will send even more death squades.
Ole' Ole' Ole' Ole', Ole' Ole', Ole' Ole' Ole' Ole', Ole' Ole'!

Door for sale

2006-06-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

My neighbor is also a porchman he was selling his door for $25AU he figured since he lived on a porch he didn't need his door anymore anyway. I wanted to buy it but i was content with my five as the Mafia hadn't sent a death squad for the last two weeks. Dear Fat Tony how was i ment to know it was Fat Tony not Obese Antonio I'm sorry already and i never said those things about your mum so stop trying to remove me. Never ever call a Mafia Don Obese. At least i didn't call him Overweight Fred.

I Was 13 what did you expect

2006-06-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

For three months in 2000 i had a crush on Nikki Webster. She was more stary than all the people mum wanted me to have a crush on and she wasn't 12 years older than me like all the people my friends had crushes on and also more attainable because she lived in sydney not in sweden and she wasn't a million dollar tennis player or engaged. But still they called me crazy. Now she does a shoot for FHM and 40 year old lonely men are aloud to goo nuts over her but i am still not aloud to have a crush, I shall lement in latin Semper Ubei Sub Ubei. By the way Aaz congrats on your marrage to Anna she is a little old but that Swedish accent is cool.

Chips and Gravy

2006-06-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when you go into a cafe' and ask for chips because you brought your own gravy people give you odd looks, it's not as if i asked for bread i brought my own bacon lettice and tomato, then of couse the mafia are always watching you waiting for you to spill a little bit of gravy at which point they'd wipe their expensive suits in it and say now you'll wake up with a horse head in your bed haha.

The Day Me and Freud got married

2006-06-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

One day i was doing my favorite thing, randomly proposing to people, when i accidently proposed to Sigmund Freud and he said yes, i didn't want to say i was just joking and look like i was uncommited or a heartbreaker so i went along with it. On night i told him about the dream where i get attacked by a man eating telekinetic giraffe and he had the nerve to say i was afraid of genitailia and am still stuck in the phalic stage. I couldn't take that so we devorced and in the insuing lawsuit i won the right to be called the father of modern psychology, not a bad outcome.

Mash Potato is EVIL

2006-05-28T22:06:00.000-07:00

Why don't people understand when i tell them i hate mash potato, you take anyones most hated vegtable and turn it to liquid and of course they won't like it and whats more potatos deserve oil when they are cooked and also to be covered in salt. Another thing mash potato is finding new guises to invade: smashed potato, crushed potato, potato mash, slushy potato, broken potato, liquified potato, and desicrated potato where will it end

You don't know shame OK

2006-05-28T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have had many embarrising moments, including drowning in a pond of duck-weed, being caught eating dog food, having the whole town stare at me while i was stuck in a tree house too scared to get down. However I wake up every morning knowing i have never been starpped stark naked to greyhound track rabbit with my bum painted lime green, something i thanked God for daily. Well until last weekend, damn bucks night, and i didn't even know the groom.

Being thrown from a car.

2006-05-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

The person who gives me a lift to uni hates me. She may not know it but she does. Probably because i laugh at posts from people who say they hate her. I started to figure it out when she set me on fire and threw me out of the car on the highway i fell out in front of a cattle truck, i am alright though. She said 'never sit in front of that person who sits behind me again' but unless i sit in the back row like arebel thats impossible.

Kilts are good

2006-05-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

One day i was running around the scottish highlands crying out for freedom when i realised "I have all the freedom i need, my balls are blowing free in the wind i should not wear pants more often" Go to notwearingpants

I want to be a porch man

2006-05-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

Ever since i was young we used to walk past porch man's house and he would case us down the street yelling obsenities and threatening to eat us with his pet chickens. I decided i wanted to be angry, alone, have a very long beard, scary to kids and part of local horror stories when i was 35. Then i learnt that you have to do a Bachelor of Arts to get such a job. Oh well i'll do the next best thing and become a primary school teacher.