Parking

Getting a parking spot in this city is crazy. Yesterday i spent 5 hours looking for a parking spot to pick up lunch by the time i found on it was dinner. I was talking to one of my friends about it and she said: "Parking spaces are like men the good ones are taken the rest are disabled, gay, repulsive, related and/or unatractive."
Then i realised that our problem was the same, and it wasn't that we were related, though it does have something to do with all the pink new beatles flooding the road. Just one question, who do you have to be related to to get one of those related parking spots? Looks like i'll just have to settle for a repulsive one.

I'll Have Some Spam

One of the hardest things with being a porch man is keeping up with Modern jargon.
For Example Spam. I Love Spam, i think spam is great, it's meaty and mooshy and sometimes you get little congealed bits which are YUM. I Heard some people complaining about how they keep getting spam in their email and i thought "great you can send squigy food products through you computer" I look on sites all over and couldn't get any to send some spam, i only got some dodgy adds, lots of them, so i tried to send some spam to my friend i placed it in the CD drive and my computer didn't work for weeks. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SEND ME SOME SPAM

How to make a heavy content, teenage, beach, soapy-drama in a few easy steps.

Step 1: Alot of snogging. You thought it would be find a beach. WRONG. if you have enough snogging the teens will think your close enough to a beach
Step 2: Find a beach that is in perpetual sunlight, even at ten at night when those naughty beach parties start.
Step 3: More Snogging. You should try to end each episode (or at least 3/4 if the 4th has a particularly heavy ending) with a montage of at least 3 couples snogging.
Step 4: Beach Parties 1/3 episodes should have a beach party 1/3 beach parties should have some sought of involvement with the cops 1/3 run in with the cops should end in a serious bust. So 1/27 episodes have a cop bust of a beach party.
Step 5: Drugs, it is a heavy drama. The hardest drug is only aloud to be pot (it is only a teen drama). The main dealer (who is incidently the oldest person on the show) is disalusioned and heartless. Secondary dealers are all guys with good intents but need cash for big plans and go the wrong way about it.They get in trouble with authorities, girlfriends, teachers, bestfriends, big dealer basically everyone
Step 6: Serious snogging. At the end of a heavy cycle have a great massive snogging scene with some shirt removal
Step 7: Upwards age limit of 35 (except main dealer roughly 40) Everyone in the show is self sufficent with no need for parents unless they were young parents (15 when the had their child so 33 now) the young parents a stuffed up too. The second oldest is the local cop or the local doctor, both are fresh out of the academy or med school due to the enemies they make the drama of a beach town and the upper age limit they are cycled every 2 years at least. they are also the sole voices of reason in the town, next are the teachers, often ex students in the town and always fresh out of teachers college the rest of the population are college students or HS students, Except for 1 much loved 9yo girl.
Step 8: The last character is vital he is pro-surfer. He wants to make his living from eXtreme vids and world circuit surfing. He gets injured at least once a fortnight and seriously (frature, KO, incapacitated) every two mounths and once a year he gets himself a coma . ALWAYS disobeys doctors orders and ALWAYS hurts himself further and misses a comp because of it.
Step 9: Huge amounts of Beach party serious snogging. Last or 2nd last episode of the year (depending if you want an EXPLOSIVE finale') at least three couples leave the beach party (this one has the cop but no bust) and go to a secret place (not the same place one for each couple) and have some long drawn out shirt removing snogging.
Final Step: The Name: A location is good or make up a name for the town, either something to do with water or fruits is a good place to start. DO NOT name the show "A teenage soapy with oodles of snogging in it"

My adoring fan base

Wondering why i haven't blogged in so long? I'll give you three hints: Paris Hilton, Prison, James Spader as my lawer. Simple enough thought so. Now that we have the pleasentries out of the way down to some serious business... ... ... Ok i just have to complain you think nothing could be worse then being a pennyless porchman, well there is, being a millionaire(ess) . See when pennyless porch man goes to prison he can play the same porchman games (except there are less possums) Catchup with some school friends and get out earlie on parole. AND they can have a bit of a cry without the worlds media going on about. I just have one question: why was i, an australian male, sharing a cell with lindsay lohan and paris.

Shatners Tupee

My life is in many ways reminisant of Shatner, on minute i was boldly going where no man had gone before being the most charismatic man on ship surrounded by people like lenard nemroy the next my looks have gone, i'm fat and i'm a crazy old man with a bullseye on my arse in a law firm who has to snog random people just to compete with people like James spader. except i'm not on tv, Nemroy is hot compared to me, and i'll never drink scotch on a roof with James and last time i snogged someone to make myself look charismatic my mother happened to be watching at the other end of the shopping center and dragged me home by the ear, i'll outdo you one day spok

Possum Hurling

Yet another popular pass time in porchman circles, possum hurling is a simple enough concept. You wait for a possum to fall out of your tree of off your roof (if you can't find a possum use your filthy cat which hang around all porchmen), your grab it and shave it's bottom and feed it many laxatives and put a cork in the unmentionable place and wait for an ignorant school student in their nice uniform to kiss their mummy goodbye, unplug your possum and throw it.

I enjoy barking

Ever stuck your head out the window of a speeding car and barked madly at people walking the streets, It's now my favourite game, you get amazing reactions, we have one kid who walks to school at the same time every morning who when we pass him in the car looks like someone who is scared of dogs looks at a house they know a dog at.
The conentions of the game.
In acending order points are awarded for

• A confused glance of head
• Disruption to movement patern (e.g. a walker stops walking etc)
• dropping of bags
• falling off bike
• getting a walker with a dog to loss controll of the animal.
• Inducing total fear in a child
• getting someone to stalk angryly after you
• Making a kissing couple accedently bite each.
• a five or more group reaction

Do Not Bark if:

• stopped at red light
• They are near or in a faster or bigger car
• they have a gun
• in any situation that means you are traveling at a speed at which the target can catch you.